i was off by a thousand miles
by betweentheraindrops
Summary: RM. 3x14, Ryan falls instead of Johnny. "You're never going to lose him. He loves you too much."


A/N: Takes place post 3x14 but goes in a different direction. Instead of Johnny falling from the cliff, Ryan does. I've been thinking about RM resolving their issues in this time period instead of Johnny dying and RM pulling away from each other. Everything up to the end of this episode is canon. Apologies if the medical stuff is off or whatnot.

I was inspired by this quote:

" _And I'd choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I'd find you and I'd choose you." – Kiersten White, The Chaos of Stars_

Title is from "Heavenfaced" by The National.

.

Ryan falls, and Marissa swears she hears bones breaking. It's distinct, and Marissa thinks it could be the sound of her heart breaking instead of Ryan's body. But it's both.

The next hour blurs in her memory. There's blood and ambulances, and Kaitlin crying into Marissa's chest while she's trying to keep it together herself. She's running on adrenaline and shock until she hears sirens.

Kaitlin calls the Cohens while Marissa rides in the ambulance, holding a passed out Ryan's hand and asking the paramedics a thousand questions a minute even though blinded by tears and confusion about his injuries.

.

Johnny scrapes by with a sprained ankle, but Ryan is rushed to the emergency room and eventually surgery. She's the first one to the hospital because she was in the ambulance, and she paces the waiting room until a disgruntled receptionist tells her to sit down because she's annoying the others in the room. When Johnny shows up, she rolls her eyes. She doesn't really know why, but Ryan being in surgery feels like his fault, if not her own. Marissa brushes him off and makes him leave with a wave of her hand.

Sandy and Kirsten give her a collective hug when they arrive, and it doesn't ease any of her pain or worry. Summer arrives with a spaced out Seth, and Marissa almost cracks a smile because it's obvious he's trying to fight through a high while his _fucking brother is in surgery_.

"It's my fault," she mumbles into the knees she's holding to her chest, rocking back and forth, tears beginning to dry on her cheeks. Summer rubs her back, and Seth bumps her shoulder with his. She glances at them both, grateful.

The world spins and spins and there's nothing she can do to stop it. Her tears eventually flow freely again and nothing anyone says consoles her because they weren't there and she was. She saw him fall; she saw his lifeless body crumpled on the sand. The thought sends a new wave of agony and tears through her. Kaitlin grabs her hand and Marissa squeezes it.

It hits her that she really could lose him. Even if he makes it through surgery, they could break up, something that's been eating at her for days. It flashes back to her, her confusion about him and them and everything in between, and she feels like smacking herself in the face.

"Atwood, Ryan?"

The surgeon appears next to their group, and Sandy and Kirsten insist she come with them to see him, sedated and hooked up to morphine.

Ryan's face is slightly bloody, and his arm is in a cast. Apparently he broke a rib and his arm. She lets out a groan when the doctor says it could take weeks, if not months, for him to fully heal due to internal damage. She thinks she looks as pale as he does, strapped to a bed in the hospital.

Marissa is silent as she sits beside him, only slightly listening to the doctor spewing medical facts and stats. Kirsten and Sandy ask the surgeon questions as she stays still beside the bed. She touches Ryan's cold hand, and can feel hot tears fall down her face once more. He's asleep, apparently will be for a while, but all she wants is to hear his voice, have him move his calloused knuckles up her arm and tell her he'll be okay.

.

She falls asleep curled into a chair in his room for about forty uncomfortable minutes before Julie shows up with Neil.

Her mother smooths her hair when she sits up and for once, Marissa gives into her mother's comfort. She's too tired not to. Sandy, Kirsten, and Summer are in the food court getting inadequate coffee and Seth is asleep on the other side of the room.

"Mom?"

"Yeah, sweetie?" Julie answers, taking the seat next to her.

Marissa takes in a breath and a new batch of tears starts to fall. She knows she looks like a wreck, red eyes and tangled hair matted to her head. She can't find it in herself to care. "What if I lose him?"

"Sweetheart, you won't. Sandy said the doctors expect he'll wake up in a few hours."

"But what if he doesn't?"

Neil is the one that steps in. "Marissa, I really think he'll be okay."

Julie motions toward Summer's dad. "See, and he's a doctor so he knows what he's talking about."

Marissa nods, and holds her legs to her chest even tighter. Julie puts an arm around her as Neil leaves to find Summer and the Cohens. Marissa leans into her mother's touch, and finds warmth there as she watches Ryan attached to machines and a plain, uncomfortable looking bed. He looks less pale, but it does nothing to soothe her.

"You're never going to lose him," her mother says quietly. "He loves you too much."

Marissa almost grumbles at the comment, but she stays silent. Julie Cooper saying those words means something, and she can't help but want to believe them. She bites her lip and tries not to blame herself for landing Ryan in the hospital in the first place.

It doesn't work.

.

When Ryan finally awakes, he thinks he's dreaming. The room is white and pristine and the sun is shining through the windows, bathing the room in light. His eyelids feel heavy and his body aches in an uncomfortable, unfamiliar way.

But then he sees Marissa on his left and Seth on his right, and comes back to reality. It's so disorienting, the machines and the needles connected to his skin. His head is killing him, he's attached to machines that beep loudly, and he's so thirsty that he can't think straight.

"Ryan?" he hears, and Marissa is by his side in an instant.

Tears fall down her face and she looks exhausted, her eyes red, but there's a smile beneath her tears and a hand running up and down his arm.

"Wh-" he clears his throat, "What happened?"

"You fell," she says, grabbing his hand in both of hers. She kisses his cheek and his lips quickly, and her eyes look bloodshot.

"Seth," Marissa nearly shouts, prompting Ryan to get a better look of the room and the people he cares most for.

"Dude, you're alive," Seth says as he sits up straight, and Ryan nods with a slight smile. Marissa chastises Seth for being light-hearted, but she's smiling too, her hand still holding Ryan's.

Seth leaves to get a nurse to inform them that Ryan's awake while Marissa sits back down, scooting her chair closer to the bed. WIth more effort than he thought was needed, Ryan's hand lifts the tiniest bit to wipe away some of her tears, and she smiles into his touch. She's about to say something but then doctors and nurses flood the room and say words too fast and Marissa drops his hand to get out of the way.

Sandy and Kirsten file in soon enough, and Marissa has the urge to smoke a cigarette even though they're in a hospital and it's about the most unhealthy thing she could do. Her eyes fight to stay open as she listens to the doctors do tests and Summer grabs her hand tightly, mumbling, _see, he's fine_.

Marissa nods, and leaves to dry her tears in the bathroom.

.

She slips back into the room later and runs a tired hand through her hair.

Ryan gives her a look as she reenters and she gives him a tight-lipped smile in return, going to sit in the chair she claimed as her own hours and hours ago. Kirsten offers to drive her home so she can sleep, but Marissa shakes her head determinedly, insisting that she's comfortable where she is. She's aware she hasn't slept or eaten much but it doesn't faze her. She needs to be there, that she does know.

Once the Cohens leave, it's just them. Seth murmurs something about getting food and real coffee and Summer offers to bring her clothes from the trailer, but Marissa isn't paying much attention to any of that.

"Hey," Ryan says, looking Marissa's way, aware that she hasn't said a word since he first woke up other than a few words to Kirsten.

"Hey," she replies shyly, uncrossing her legs as the door shuts behind Summer.

Ryan looks at her cautiously and he can't read her expression. Her face is blank and she looks tired, but she also looks scared. It's unsettling. Suddenly he hopes the nurses need to check his vitals again to put this conversation off.

The air is thick and he swallows whatever breath he didn't realize he was holding as she moves her chair closer to the side of his bed.

Marissa takes a breath. "So I've had time to think since you've been, well, here," she says, gesturing to the bed and the room as a whole. "A few hours, I don't know. And I just wanted- I wanted to say that I'm sorry."

A tear rolls down her cheek and he starts to feel queasy, separate from his injuries. This doesn't sound like an apology he needs to hear.

"For this?" he asks, pointing at the cast around his arm and his hospital bed just so they can avoid the topic of Johnny. He can take a broken arm and stitches, but hearing a confession about Johnny is too much. His eyes avoid hers and he's sure she's staring at her hands.

"No. Well, yeah, I guess. If it weren't for me-"

"I was the one that followed him up there."

Marissa nods. "But-"

"Marissa," he says. "It was an accident."

Tears fall down her cheeks and she's almost shaking, putting a hand over her eyes as she looks down. "I'm so sorry."

He looks at her sadly even though he tries to remain stoic, and resigns himself to whatever she needs to tell him. It's obvious there's something she needs to get off her chest, and he thinks of it as ripping off a band aid. "You're in love with him."

She looks up at him at once, and Ryan thinks she smiles in amusement for a slight second before frowning. "No!"

He looks at her in confusion and she reiterates, "No, I was confused. I'm so sorry that I- that I abandoned you."

"When did you-"

"This whole year it feels like," Marissa tells him quietly, staring at the chipped nail polish on her fingernails. "I did."

Ryan shakes his head, but she continues, " _I did_. I'm sorry."

They're in silence and he looks at her, so sad and tired.

"I had a long time to think about it, and I wouldn't have been pleased if you spent our senior year hanging out with some girl claiming to be in love with you," she says, laying a hand near his side. They're not touching, but he can feel her warmth.

"I'm sorry I stopped trying to talk to you about- about everything with Trey. I just... couldn't."

"That's my fault," he interjects, and she looks him straight in the eye.

Marissa bites her lip. "It's not."

She inches closer and closer to him until her hands are sitting on the side of his bed, close enough to touch.

"You shouldn't have had to try in the first place," he admits slowly, his eyes on the blanket atop him. "I didn't want everything with Trey to be so... y'know? So I ignored it."

She nods, and gives him a heartbreaking, knowing grin. "I know."

Ryan's hand goes to touch hers, and she grabs it in one of her own, palms touching, playing with his fingers.

"We didn't finish what we started in the poolhouse," he comments, and this makes her chuckle. Her tears have dried and holding his hand is more comforting that she realized it would be. It feels like it's been weeks since the poolhouse even though it's only been a little over half a day. Her mind had strayed there too, wanting to go back and ignore Kaitlin's call.

He moves over on the bed, and Marissa slowly moves to sit on it. It's tiny, but he moves over enough so she can lie with him, her on his good side. Her head goes to his chest, and being so close to him again brings back the emotions that had been coursing through her for hours while he was in surgery and then recuperating.

"There's another thing. I, um," she begins, adjusting her legs next to his and making sure his wires stay in place. The beep of his IV pole reverberates in her ears, and she wishes they were in the poolhouse again. In their own bubble of the world.

Ryan looks down at her and their eyes meet. She almost looks away, but chooses not to. "It was never a choice."

His eyebrows crease.

"You and him," Marissa says nervously. This is the most they've spoken in so long and it's unsettling but far too overdue. She takes a few breaths, getting used to being with him again. They haven't done this in a while, just talk. "As far as I'm concerned, it's always you, okay?"

He smiles softly at that, and his good arm pulls her closer. They sit in silence as he kisses her temple. It's a pleasant silence, and she leans her chin on his chest carefully, looking up at him. She leans up to kiss him, and he meets her halfway. It feels like release, and like they're saying so many things they've never needed to with words. She remembers he's supposed to be healing and that they're in a hospital, and anyone could walk in, but it's far down on her list of priorities. For the first time in what feels like ages, it feels like they're on the same axis. Finally on equal footing.

Ryan pulls away and runs his hand up and down her arm. "Summer said that you-"

"When did you talk to Summer?" she asks quickly, thinking back on the last hour.

"Not today, a few weeks ago."

She nods, motioning for him to go on.

"She said that that's what you do. You care for people so much. And it's a good thing."

Marissa looks down and remembers Oliver. "Maybe not."

"No," he replies, and she thinks he's saying more now than he has in the year they've been together. "It is."

She meets his eyes and feels tears at the back of her eyes. She tries to keep them at bay by blinking. Twice, three times. She's running on little to no sleep and being held by Ryan is so, so soothing. His hand plays with a knot in her hair and she uncoils the slightest bit.

"You should sleep," he says.

Marissa shakes her head. "I can't."

"I'll be fine."

A nurse enters his room, telling Marissa to get off the bed, and Marissa gives her a penetrating gaze. Ryan can see it, that she really is Julie Cooper's daughter.

Marissa leaves the room to find a vending machine, and when she finally finds one around two hallway corners, Johnny comes up to her.

"I really don't have time for this," she says hastily.

He shakes his head. "We need to talk."

"About what? That because of you Ryan's here with broken limbs?"

"I never asked him to-"

"No, you didn't. But you knew he would. You knew he'd try to help you. That we all would," Marissa gets out. She puts a quarter into the machine, extracting a small pack of pretzels.

She turns to him again and finds him silent, hands in his pockets, waiting for her to say something.

"What?"

Johnny looks around the halls. "You didn't mean the letter, did you?"

Marissa's eyes widen and she wants to shout. "Of course I did. I can't believe you."

"Marissa, I care-"

"I don't give a shit how you feel about me," she nearly barks. She doesn't care that there are people in a nearby corridor beginning to stare. "Not anymore. You endangered Ryan's life, my life, hell, you've never treated Kaitlin well. I can't believe I- you need to leave."

"I don't want to."

"Leave." Her eyes narrow, and she feels cleansed in a way. "I love Ryan. And you knew that. So just leave."

Johnny tries to say something else, but Marissa turns away and walks back to Ryan's room. She doesn't even think to look back. In a moment of sheer clarity, puzzle pieces in her mind fell into place and she was able to convey them.

It's like a breath of fresh air.

.

Upon release from the hospital, Ryan almost blushes at the amount of food and get well cards that have been sent to him at the Cohens' house.

Marissa keeps her arm steadily around his waist when they enter the poolhouse, and charges Seth and Summer with making the bed as comfortable as possible and moving the television to the perfect viewing angle.

"I'm fine, really," Ryan says, gesturing with his hand that's covered by a cast.

"I still have to sign that, Atwood," Summer bellows from across the room, fluffing his pillows for him reluctantly under Marissa's order.

He smiles. "Top of my to-do list."

Seth sets up _Le Ballon Rouge_ on the television and takes Summer and Ryan's annoyed groans in stride. "Marissa said something calm and Ryan, you'll like the architecture, so shush."

The four of them situate themselves on the bed, with Marissa making sure Ryan's pillows are properly placed and she asks him at least three different times if he's comfortable.

"Hey, I'm fine," he says, moving a thumb over her knuckles.

She reluctantly lets the matter rest and curls into his chest as much as she can without hurting him. Her eyes scan the room as the film begins, and they land on his cast, remembering Summer's words.

"I already did," she whispers to him, pointing to his cast. He lifts it carefully, turning his arm so he can see some bit that's already been written there. It's near where the cast would normally sit next to his rib cage, so he'd probably be the only one to ever see it.

"When you were sleeping," she adds with a tiny smirk.

It's a heart, and the word _always_.

He turns to her and meets her small smile. It's a reminder of their talk, and a reminder of what she said. It's a small gesture, but he's grateful for it. That what she told him during the otherwise pitiful hospital stay wasn't just something that came about from twelve hours of worry and stress-induced guilt. It was something permanent, something irrevocable. Something true.

Ryan plants a kiss in her hair when she turns her attention back to the movie, blocking out Seth's comments about and Summer's annoyance at the mostly-silent film.

It feels good to hold her like this, even if it isn't as comfortable as it could be. Marissa winds their hands together over her shoulder and he leans his head against hers, his chin on her shoulder. She looks at him and looks him straight in the eye, grinning. They're so close that he can nearly count the amount of freckles peppering her nose.

Her words from their talk the other day reverberate in his head and he lets himself feel happy, careless, content with knowing where they stand for what seems like the first time in weeks.

"I wanna sign it now," Summer says loudly, interrupting his thoughts. Seth complains about having to pause a 35-minute film just to fulfill one of her whims, and Marissa rolls her eyes at their friends.

Ryan clears his throat and his knuckles brush Marissa's shoulder. "Not yet."

.fin.


End file.
